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Loony Tunes
by Chantal
Strife sat on a branch of the helm tree that stood proud right in the center of Sorbo Park. The annoying god was confused. He had been observing the comings and goings of the amazons all morning.
"What’s with them? They are usually nuts but this is over the top even for them." Strife pinched himself. "I don’t get it. I really don’t get it!"
"You’ll never get it! Dummy!" Strife’s head got hit from behind. Next to him, Discord materialized.
"You are sooooo not getting it. You are so not in touch with what makes women tick." Discord pushed Strife off the branch. The poor twit fell head’s down towards the ground. Directly in his path below, sitting at the foot of the tree, Freya, Danaan, Shait and Kallista were chatting.
"Say hello to the girls for me.. LOSER!" Discord laughed then blinked out of sight shouting "INCOMING!!!!"
"What the Hades!!!" Freya and Danaan looked up then froze.
Kallista and Shait kept their cool (hey, they aren’t my assistants for nothing. <bg>) as they pushed both Freya and Danaan out of the way. Both then stood smiling and waited for Strife to splash to the ground. And splash he did.
All four amazons stared as Strife babbled to himself and tried to catch imaginary birds flying around his head. "Come here you birdies… I won’t hurt you.. much… Come here… I’ll pluck you bare… You chicken!!!"
"Think we should ask? I mean it’s so… " Danaan asked.
"Perfect. It’s the perfect situation if you ask me." Shait smiled.
"Oh, okay. I’ll do it." Freya sighed and rolled her eyes. She knelt down next to Strife. "Hummm…. What’s up Doc?"
Danaan elbowed Kallista.
"I think it should be : What’s down Strife?" Kallista chuckled.
All four amazons laughed and started to walk away from the confused god. Before she walked away, Freya grabbed Strife’s ear. "You should take the test dear. Although, I think you are a Roger Rabbit!!!"
Near the pool, laying on long chairs, sunbathing, sipping lemonade, Hilara, Hawk, Nani and Aphrael all wore the latest designer’s shades.
"What’s the last count?" Hilara took another sip of her pink lemonade iced glass.
Hawk raised her shades. "Last count… humm…. I’ll have to get up to get a look at the board. Don’t feel like it."
"Wait. I’ll get one of the harpies to push the board our way." Aphrael put her lips together and blew. Loudly. Scaring the lifeguardsHerks on duty off their chairs and into the pool.
Both Hawk and Hilara shouted "I did.. I did… I did see .. a wet Herk!"
Aphrael turned and gave her friends the evil eye. "You two are cheating!!!!"
"Hey, the board was updated" announced Hawk.
Herks : 2
Wet Herks : 5
Nekkid Herk : 0
All four amazons sighed. Loudly. A water splash followed.
"Kewl! Another one. He’s mine." Nani ran and jumped into the pool.
"I guess she decided she was a chaser after all. Go Nani Le Pew!" Aphrael lifted her lemonade in salute.
In the corridors of the Herkspital, CJ was stalking her prey. Stopping near a therapy room door, she listened. "Nothing. Okay, back to the third floor, I think I smelled wet leather there." She slowly walked away making loud noises. CJ grinned. If she timed it right, her prey should be showing his tail right about.. now!
The therapy room opened. Herk took a peak then his leather clad behind appeared. CJ jumped. "Oh Darling! Finally! I found you!" CJ grabbed Herk. Her hand rooming all over the leather pants. CJ started to kiss Herk’s nose, jaw, lips.
Herk tried to pull away without hurting CJ but only found himself pulled in a closer embrace.
"Oh mon amour! Mon petit chou!" CJ’s hands pinched Herk’s bum and lounged for another serie of kisses.
"CJ, CJ, wait.. stop… this is a public place." Herk finally pulled free of CJ’s embrace. "This has got to stop… You are not well… you need to go see Freya… " Herk pushed CJ into the open therapy room, turned around and sped away.
"You can run but you can’t hide forever, Darling! Jouez à l’insaisissable ne fait que m’enflammer plus encore!" CJ ran out after Herk.
Back at the pool, things had heated up a bit. Herkite had finally made it to the sun and drool seance.
"Okay girls, what’s new?" Herkite lazily sat down on a beach towel next to Hilara.
"Well, we have yet to catch a nekkid Herk, although Nani is trying something fierce." Hilara pointed to the pool.
"Who new skunk could swim?" Aphrael took a sip of her sangria glass.
"Hawk that sangria of yours is excellent." Herkite gave her friend a wink as she drank a tiny sip of her glass. "So.. is Nani getting closer to catching that lifeguard?" Herkite asked around.
"Well, she got her fingers inside his speedo a few times but got distracted." Aphrael smiled.
"Wouldn’t you get distracted if you had your hands in there? I would and of course her French is not like Robert’s" Hilara smiled wickedly.
"Get that grin off your face Hilara!" Nani ran up to her chair and sat. She shook the water out of her hair, getting the near by amazons wet. "If you had your fingers inside Robert’s speedo, you would have forgotten if it’s "Je t’aime" or "Je t’adore". Anyway, who can talk when your hands are so busy!" Nani grabbed a glass of sangria. "Oh man… someone else will have to try to get a nekkid Herk. I’m exhausted."
"Poor, poor Nani. But I bet you did .. you did.. you did see a birdie.." Herkite replied with mischievous eyes.
Hilara spat her lemonade. "Okay, I’m switching to something stronger. You are sooooo bad Herkite. Get me a glass of sangria Hawk? Please."
Hawk turned and grabbed the pitcher of sangria but stopped half way. Next to the pitcher she saw two long, muscular legs. Bare legs. Strong, firm, muscular bare legs. Hawk’s breath caught.
"Cat’s got your tongue luv? You might want to breathe now." The low purring voice had all the amazons do a double take.
"Oh my gods!!!" Hilara gulped up her glass of sangria.
"Ditto girlfriend!" Aphrael took out her snapshot camera.
"I think I see a nekkid Herk!" Herkite chuckled.
"Oh, you did, you did see a nekkid Herk" Nani belt out a loud whistle.
Sov smiled wickedly and waved at the amazons. "Like what you see ladies? Want me to turn around so you get a full view? What do you think Hawk? What to play catch my birdie?"
Hawk swallowed hard and answered dreamily "Oh yeah… I do, I do see a nekkid Herk."
"Some girls have all the luck. But when the going gets tough, the amazons go chasing." Cathie put her cuffs back inside her emergency kit and left the edge of the pool. Hunting the Herkus Nekkidus was a challenge.
"One lost, ten more to hunt. I’m sure I can catch modelHerk in art class. Word around is that Nannyboo had all the grapes shipped out of SorboLand. Ahhhh… Il n’y a rien comme l’art pour stimuler l’imagination. And I have a vivid imagination…" Cathie smiled and started to jog towards the art center.
In the basement of the art center, Herk and Iolaus were trying to make sense of the latest madness to hit Sorboland.
"Herk, we have to figure this out. My behind is black and blue. Castalia keeps coming up behind me and pinches my bum. And yells at the top of her lungs "ARIBA! ARIBA! I am not a mouse! I want to be a duck!" It was funny the first three times but after twenty times, I’m like enough already!" Iolaus looked a little pissed.
"I know, I know. My behind is not in better shape. CJ was on a rampage. All I can see is not every amazon has the same madness. I’m a little clueless. Sorry buddy."
"You two Bozos are so out of the loop, it’s pathetic. It’s a good thing you have me around." Ares materialized next to Iolaus.
"Black and blue, Curly. I should be so lucky. Now, I have the goods. How they keep their hands off is beyond me. but I digress. Here’s the scoop guys. It’s a test thing. Like a personality test. Here, take a look." Ares smugly handed out 3 pieces of paper to Herk.
"A test! A test! My back side is black and blue because of a test!" Iolaus grabbed the papers from Herk. "Let me see what warrants my bum becoming purple."
"Iolaus. I thought you liked purple!" Herk rolled his eyes.
"Looney tunes test! Looney tunes test" Do I look like Yosemite Sam?" Iolaus started to pace. ""Don’t answer! Or I’ll get Artemis’ bow and change you into a frog." Iolaus snarled at Ares.
"Hey they are loony already. I think a test is normal. Don’t you brother?"
Herk took the papers back from Iolaus’ grip and sat down to read.
"Ever wondered which cartoon character you are most like?" Herk smiled and whispered "Superman."
"Yeah, all you need is a cape, bro. Go on already…" Ares snickered. "Get to the test. Maybe if we know our character we can turn the tables on them." Ares smiled evilly.
"I like that idea Big guy." Iolaus stopped pacing.
"Okay, I think it would be best to know what we are up against?" Herk started to read again.
"Well a team of researchers got together and analyzed the personalities of cartoons characters and put the information gathered into this quiz." Herk smiled again. "Batman’s not bad either…"
"Herk. I am not wearing tights. Ever! Go on!" Iolaus stood next to Herk with his hands on his hips.
Ares chuckled. "Oh but you two in tights. What a picture!"
"Herk!!!!" Iolaus whined.
"Okay, I’m reading already." Herk sighed. "Answer each question with the answer that most describes you, then add up points that corresponds with your answers." Herk stopped.
"Why did you stop? You are getting to the good part! Give me this!" Iolaus tried to grab the papers.
"Iolaus ! No paper or pen to add the numbers!" Herk pushed Iolaus’ hands away.
"Fools! I’ll get us paper and pen! STRIFE!!!" Ares yelled.
Strife appeared in a burst of blue light. "You called Unc?" Strife looked around and noticed both Iolaus and Herk.
"Sit worm. I need a clerk!" Ares sent Strife flying with a ball of fire.
"Sure, Uncle. No problem. I’ll take notes." Strife dusted himself, sat on the floor then snapped his fingers. A laptop appeared.
"You can continue brother. Pay attention you pitiful excuse for a god." Ares hit Strife behind the head.
Herk shook his head in dismay but began to read again.
"Then send this to all your friends with your cartoon character is the subject line." Herk stopped again. "Now we know how it propagated itself."
Ares growled.
"Okay, I’m reading. I’m reading." Herk started back again.
"Question 1: What describes your perfect date? a) Candlelight dinner for two. Oh yeah, that my kind of date" Herk smiled.
"That figures. You are such a romantic fool." Ares rolled his eyes.
"That’s the way he is. Can’t change him" Iolaus replied. "What are the other choices?"
Herk continued. "Amusement Park."
Strife went "Hummmmm…"
"You weren’t invited to the party!" Ares hit Strife on the shoulder.
Herk sighed. "Next choice: Rollerblading in the park."
Iolaus whooped. "Oh yeah! That’s the ticket. That’s my perfect date."
"Figures!" Ares snickered. "You better invest in protective gear Curly. Next choice?"
"Rock concert. That’s the next entry." Herk replied.
"Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner. That’s definitely me" shouted Ares.
Strife wrote down :
Question one
Herk : A
Iolaus : C
Ares : D
"Question two : what’s your favorite type of music?"
"Rock and roll, man! Nothing else would do." Ares slammed his hand on the wall.
"Put down choice A for Ares" Herk told Strife. "Next choices are.. *alternative…" Herk waited then asked. "What’s alternative?"
"Well, that would be like Moist, Garbage or BranVan 3000’s music, man. They majorly rock." Strife answered all psyched up.
"Uh?!!" Ares replied.
"BranVan what?" Iolaus looked confused.
"Garbage?" Herk asked.
"Never mind." Strife mumbled. "Old guard. Not aware of the culture. David Usher is like major dude."
"Next choice Herk before we get lost into the Strife zone" Iolaus pleaded.
"Right. Next choice… Soft rock." Herk stopped for a second. "That’s like Air Supply? Right?
That would be me." Herk motioned Strife to write it down.
Ares looked at Iolaus and mouthed "Air Supply?!!!"
Iolaus shrugged. "Don’t ask me!"
Herk continued. "Next choice is classical. Nope, Can’t see you as the classical type Iolaus. That leaves popular." Herk waited.
"Popular is my middle name Herk. Next question." Iolaus gave Herk two thumbs up.
The questions went on and on with a few problems along the way but things went along smoothly until the last question.
"Last question…" Strife had taken over reading the test mid way through over Ares’ objections. "Simpler for me to had up the numbers uncle. And besides Herk can’t cheat that way." Strife winked at Ares.
"Riiiiiiigth! Okay." Ares grabbed Strife by the neck. "But you better make sure I win."
"Last question is : Of the following, who would you rather spend time with?" All three guys got a far away look on their faces.
"A: someone who is smart?"
"Oh definitely. The brain is the sexiest part of a woman for me. That’s my choice Strife." Herk relaxed. His test was over.
"That’s a good choice. I do find that smart amazons are the most intriguing ones. But I’ll wait for the other choices, bro." Ares signaled Strife to go on.
"B: someone with good looks."
"Well, DUH! That would be shallow!" Iolaus said.
"That would be my choice" Strife replied.
"That figures! Next?" Iolaus demanded.
"C: someone who is a party animal."
"Oh yeah! That’s my choice!" Ares rubbed his hand together. "Party animal R US for me."
Iolaus looked at Ares disgusted. "Next choice. That one is sooooooo…"
"Drool worthy" Ares replied.
"No… well.. yes… No.. it’s demeaning. Next? Before I dig myself into a hole" Iolaus was now a little pale.
"D: Someone who has fun all the time."
"Fun is good." Ares said.
"Fun is extremely good." Strife replied.
"Fun it is." Iolaus let out a big sigh.
"Okay worm. Time to add things up." Ares stared at Strife. "Don’t disappoint me."
Cathie got into the art center by the east side door. Her objective was close. Now she had to make sure she succeeded. As she approached the main hall she heard voices chanting.
"Chanting? Was this choir practice day? This could be interesting." Cathie opened her backpack and grabbed her crossbow. "Better be ready."
In the main hall Nannyboo was conducting her first "relaxation through movement" class.
"To know your body, to control it is an art. To make it obey your impulses, to mold it to your will is the goal." Nannyboo slowly walked in between her students.
"Castalia you need to feel your arms more. Make them an extension of your will. Visualize your goal and grab it." Nannyboo smiled evilly.
"Nice Kat. Very nice. More control with that pirouette. You need to be able to stabilize your spin faster." Nannyboo stopped in front of Kassia.
The young amazon stood tall and still. Eyes closed. Slowly she started to move. Her arms then her upper body. Tai Chi moves mixed in with some Kung Fu technique.
First she whispered the words. Then she repeated then louder and louder.
To conquer others is to have power.
To conquer yourself is to know the way.
To conquer your mind is the instrument.
To conquer your body is the tool.
To achieve it is the ultimate goal.
All the amazons joined her.
To conquer others is to have power.
To conquer yourself is to know the way.
Kat executed a perfect spin and stopped on a dime.
To conquer your mind is the instrument.
To conquer your body is the tool.
Nannyboo matched Kassia moves for moves.
To achieve it is the ultimate goal.
Castalia noticed Iolaus coming into the main hall, trying to be invisible. Herk trailing after him with Ares in tow. Castalia started up the mantra once more
To conquer others is to have power.
To conquer yourself is to know the way.
To conquer your mind is the instrument.
To conquer your body is the tool.
To achieve the ultimate goal…
Castalia stopped and smiled wickedly "To grab yourself some Iolaus bum…"
All the amazons stopped their movement.
"What?!!! That’s not the next line!" Kassia turned to Castalia.
"Yeah but I like it." Kat had spotted both Iolaus and Herk too.
"I tell you Big guy, no way I am a Tweety bird." Iolaus’ hands were flying.
"Iolaus, the test said : You are a Tweety. You are cute, everyone loves you. You are my best friend and no one want to take the chance of losing you. You never ever hurt anyone feelings. You are indeed witty and you do go through life like a breeze. But now, about that calm thing…"
"You’re right Herk. That does sound like me. We’re almost at the main hall and we should be careful. You know, Pepe Le Pew here might go and jump an amazon."
"I do not jump amazons." Herk sounded a little wounded. "The test said family person. Likes commitment. I do call my mom every Sunday…"
"Yeah, yeah. You are a lover not a fighter. We got it. Move already." Ares pushed Herk.
"Hey, stop that." Herk pushed back.
"Can’t help it. Remember. That wild spirit leads me to hurt myself and others. People don’t always see things my way but I don’t need to care. I’m a TAZ, man. And I love extremes…"
All three guys were now in the main hall and finally noticed their surroundings. Iolaus twitched. Herk paled. Ares clapped his hands and smiled.
"Time to apply the test boys. I know how to have fun and to take it to extreme. So long, I have a house call to make." Ares started to disappear in a fuzz of blue light when he was slammed again the wall.
"What the…!!!!"
"Bonzai!!!!!" Kat catapulted herself towards Ares and hit him full blast. Not waiting a second, she moved into a spin grabbing Ares’ arm. Both started a spin of warp speed proportions. Ares’ evil laugh echoed around the hall.
"I knew there were reasons I liked you so much, Kat. Let’s go rampaging!" Ares brought his arms around Kat’s body, holding her in a death grip.
"Wait, wait… I need to…" Kat started to squirm.
"Too late honey. We are out of here…" Ares captured her mouth, kissing her ferociously.
Herk stood against the wall and watched Castalia chasing Iolaus around. A cat playing with a mouse.
"Or more to the point : an hyperactive mouse chasing a bird." Strife flashed in right besides Herk.
Cas pinched Iolaus’ behind for the third time in thirty seconds. "Herk!!! Some help here…" Iolaus whined.
"Go get some help Strife. Fast!" Herk noticed Kassia and Nannyboo marching towards him. "Get some of the others here pronto! There’s safety in numbers."
Strife giggled. "Me! Get help! Woo ouuuuuu… How scared are you, man, if you are asking me for help! These are just women! But hey help could be interesting…" Strife licked his lips.
"Strife! Just go…" Herk flipped his hair and whispered to himself. "This has gone on far enough." Herk took a deep breath, exhaled, then let out a mighty shout.
"ENOUGH!!!!!!"
The echo ran through Sorboland like a shock wave.
A few of the feathered Amazons that were cuddling with Sov near the pool lost their balanced and fell head first in the water. Hilara and Herkite got out of the pool, dripping wet and not amused.
"Wait until I get my hands on the big guy. He’ll shout all right. Better he’ll sing.. soprano…" Herkite took her towel and marched off fuming.
Hilara started to dry her hair. "This is not good. My hair is a mess. How am I gonna explain that to Robert. We usually go swimming together and he dries my hair. Always." Hilara pouted.
"This should be a leçon to you, mademoiselle. You play with fire you get burn..or mouillée.." Robert smiled. "You know what I mean."
Hilara gave Robert her best puppy eyes.
"Oh, okay. D’accord. I’ll dry your hair but you have to use your feathers on me." Robert grinned wickedly at Hilara.
"Deal." Hilara picked up her bag.
"Say adieu to the brute dear." Robert took Hilara’s hand.
"Bye bye Sov. It was an interesting way to spend the afternoon." Hilara giggled.
Sov growled. "Well.. two left.. more for you dears." Hawk and Nani laughed.
"And what wonderful more it is Sov." Hawk went back to drying Sov’s back with her lips.
"Oh yeah.. ditto girlfriend. So much more.." Nani ran her fingers across Sov’s pecs and took a quick glance downwards. "Yes, oh, yes.. so much more to it." Nani gradually made her way to the floor.
"Enough!!!!"
Herk’s shout froze Castalia in mid pinch. Iolaus giggled.
"Way to go, Big guy!" Iolaus’ hunter instincts kicked in instantly. In a heartbeat, Iolaus took control of Cas’ libido.
With one hand tangled in her hair and the other slowly rubbing her cheek, Iolaus nibbled tenderly at Cas’ bottom lip.
"You know, I love a good chase as any hunter but I think it’s time for me to do the chasing." Iolaus paused "I’ll give you a head start."
Cas raised an eyebrow. "Search and rescue?"
Iolaus smiled. "Sure. I’ll bring the ice and the bandage. But no caves or rocks. I’ve had enough rocks and caves to last me a lifetime."
Cas pinched his cheeks. "But you are sooooo cute dogging rocks. Catch me if you can!!!!!" Cas sprinted out of the room.
Iolaus waiting a few seconds then took off after her. "Now, that’s more like it. Tweety bird.. right!! Not!"
SHerk dropped the tray of tall, iced glasses of lemonade he was carrying. Right into the bugs bunnies gang laps.
"SHERK!!!!" Danaan screamed.
"What the!!!" Freya shouted as she woke up.
"Don’t yell at him!" Kal got up from the lounging chair to reassure SHerk. "It’s okay. They are not mad at you. They were just surprised. Waking up to a lemonade shower will do that to you." Kal kissed SHerk chin.
"I bet if you get some AlphaHerk here to help with the clean up, they will forgive you." Kal eyed her friends. "Right?"
"Of course. That goes without saying. I really need some help to get all this sugar off my …" Danaan looked at her chest.
"The word you are looking for is.. TA TA’s, Danaan." Freya chuckled.
The loud cry reached the War God’s inner chamber. Barely. Kat and Ares were exploring each other. Intensely. Completely. Deeply. Voraciously. Pieces of black leather laid scattered on the black marble floor.
"Did you hear something?" Kat bit and licked the god’s throat. Ares pulled back a little then framed Kat’s face with his hands and kissed her nose.
Kat raised an eyebrow. "You’re so weird! Who knew?" Then she went back to nibbling on the nearest earlobe.
Strife popped in a brightly lit room. Right in the middle of a very passionate lecture on the ethics of being an Alpha.
"In closing, you represent the embodiment of one of the most beloved hero the world has known. Be proud, you are one of the few, the worthy…"
"The most incredibly lucky dudes, man!" Strife sat on Professor Charlie’s desk.
"Sorry to interrupt your class, dude. But the big guy needs help. Reinforcement. The amazons are on a rampage and in need of Alpha TLC. Now if you.."
Strife didn’t have time to finish his little speech. The Alpha were already on their way to the art center. Professor Charlie in tow.
"Wow man! Righteous!" Strife snapped his fingers and zapped out.
The cavalry arrived in time to save Herk from a very enterprising duo. Nannyboo had succeeded in cutting the legendary brown leather pants to mid thigh. Kassia had taken possession of the outer shirt and was working on obtaining the remaining under shirt… with her teeth.
Kull grabbed Nannyboo’s cutter and softly whispered something in the amazon’s ear.
"Oh. Really?" Boo had a dreamy look on her face.
"Totally and completely." Kull’s reply came loud and clear.
"Kassia dear, I have been given barber duty. You are in charge!" Boo sprinted out of the room with Kull following her.
Most of the amazons looney tune persona burned out after many hours of Alpha therapy. As Danaan, Freya and Kal left the hot tub chamber, they saw Hestia dressed in full hunter’s regalia.
"Hestia, what are you doing?" Danaan looked at Fre and Kal and shook her head.
"Quiet. Be vewy vewy quiet. I’m hunting Herks!!!!!!"
The end.
